Letting Go

Have you ever had to let something go? Like, something you really, really liked? Or loved? A dream? A job? A friend?

I have.

I think we all have.

When Joshua was born, I had to let go of a dream. The dream of the life Jim and I had mentally planned for our firstborn. And it was hard.

And it was good.

Because Joshua is pretty much the coolest, most awesome thing in our lives. Parenting him has been a joy...wonderful, challenging...and, at times, frustrating...not knowing if we are doing the right thing by him, not knowing if we should do more...or less.

And parenting him has taught me so much.

Side note: I'm mainly speaking about Joshua, because he is our firstborn...I feel this same way about ALL of our children.

The Bible became alive to me after I had Joshua. I don't know if it's because I sought out God's word more than I did before I had him...or if it's because, now that I'm a parent to a child I love more than my own life...who I would lay down my life for...who couldn't possibly do anything to make me love him less...who I've shown mercy to on more than one occasion...who I give grace to because we all mess up...who I forgive whether he meant to do it or not...who brings me joy just by...BEING...I can kinda-sorta relate to the love God must have for His only Son, and how incredibly difficult it must've been for Him to send Him to die for my sins...and for the sins of the world.

Because I am a parent, I have had those times when I thought my heart would burst with love for my children. And because I am a parent, I have had those times when I thought my heart would break because of something that happened to one of my children: watching Joshua live with his challenges every day, watching Joshua...and Clark...be wheeled into the operating room for very serious surgeries, Clark's cancer diagnosis.

Because I am a parent, my heart has ached as I've watched one of my children rejected by a friend. I've nursed them through heart-breaks, stood by as they made their own choices, and had times when I wished they would've just listened to me or their Dad because we've been down that road.

And, because I'm a parent, I've felt thankful and fulfilled when I've seen them loving God and serving others. All of these things and MORE make me see what a great love the Father has for us!

For me.

And, all of these things...these great blessings...I wouldn't have been able to see if I had been holding on to my first dream.

Some dreams are good, tho. Right? Dreaming of marriage, of children, of a job; of getting into a certain school or writing a book or singing in front of the church;

I think maybe it's that we need to hold things loosely in our hands, like Corrie ten Book said. And maybe the danger is that we try to build or pursue something that is not from God. Or maybe it's a "good thing" that you put in front of the things of God.

I had to let go of a friendship, and it hurt.like.rip.

Other people in my life had gently suggested it to me way before I finally decided to do it. I didn't listen to them. I figured they were just jealous. Now, I know that they could see things that I couldn't. You know, the advantage of being on the outside looking in.

I didn't want to...with every ounce of my being, I did not want to give it up. A godly friend, great support system and prayer warrior...lives intertwined with precious memories with our families. She was more like a sister than a friend...and how do you let go of family?

Even to this day, I can hardly bear to think about it. I didn't understand what God was asking me to do. I didn't understand why. And I couldn't explain it to her...I didn't know how. So I just...didn't.

I just backed off. Way, way off.

And every day was hard...for weeks and months...as I attempted to navigate life without my friend by my side.

And like when you rip apart a seam, there are pieces of thread from one side stuck to the other and the edges are jaggedy and sometimes there's even a tear in the fabric. There were pieces of memories with her and her family attached to me and mine...and they are still there to this day.

We were the best of friends.

I kind of hoped that I would have this big realization where God would show me why...but, so far, it hasn't happened. I will say that the time learning to be on my own without my best friend was good preparation for some things that happened later...two moves, starting over with my family in a new town...all probably wasn't as hard on me because I was already in a place where I wasn't relying on someone else to fill up my days with conversation and laughter.

Now, I had my husband...and he's great, don't get me wrong. But isn't there just something about a really close girlfriend? I don't know about your husband, but mine does not want to spend an hour discussing an article from a magazine, or sharing recipes, or trying to figure out what color nail polish the girl I sat behind at church had on her nails, or whether or not I should get bangs...

I had other friends, too. In fact, a person who I wasn't really that close to during the whole time we lived in this town, stepped into my life as we were preparing to move...and it was unlikely and sweet, and she and I have been friends now through two moves! I am so thankful! If I had held on to what God was asking me to release, I never would've seen this new friend, or had room for her in my life.

The Bible commands us to "have no other Gods before Me." I think that goes for physical things like cars and boats, but also things like people. Husbands, wives...CHILDREN...and yes, even friends. It can even apply to all of the stuff you do at church. Anything, even a GOOD thing...if we put it before our relationship to God...is another "god" to us. We don't have to have a physical idol or statue in our home for it to be considered a "god." Sometimes, our pride can be a god. Not pride like the "I'm-better-than-you," kind. I'm talking pride like the kind where you pride yourself on having it all together...your kids, your family, your home...you've got it all running well.

I like to be prepared. I have a girl...but I also have 3 boys, and when they were little, unexpected surprises were not my friend. Can I get an AMEN? But working hard to create the perfect image just for the sake of image...can become a "god" if it puts the attention on ME, and takes the attention away from God.

Good thing I have the memory of Joshua making a poo-poo in the swimming pool...at the local country club to bring me down to earth. I mean, if there was ever even a thought that I might have things together, the sight of that Snicker-bar-looking-thing floating in the shallow end put allllll that to rest.

Just sayin'.

And it wasn't just Joshua. I remember another town...another country club pool...and another one of my sons. I remember a friend, AND SHE WASN'T A CLOSE FRIEND, coming up to me and "jokingly" saying, "we HAVE bathrooms out here." I looked over to see my little Logan, body pressed up to the decorative iron fence that separated the pool from the putting green...and right in front of the big windows of the dining room..."watering" the grass for all to see.

I love my boys.

Keeps me real.

Letting go of something or someone isn't fun. I mean, typically these things or people...we put them there in our lives for a reason. They're meeting a need...or keeping us from something. A lot of times we keep things around longer than we should because of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of moving ahead, fear of failure...fear of rejection. I don't know what it looks like for you.

It gets easier, the more you do it...but it's still hard. And even tho, like in the situation with my friend, I haven't felt like I totally see the reason why I was asked to let it go...there have been other situations where I can look back and clearly see God's purpose and plan. And this is what makes it easier for me to let things go now...because I've seen God's faithfulness to me in those really hard times.

"...the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6