Holly's Day Off And Also Thank God for the Bathroom at HomeGoods

Holly had a day off from nursing school this week, and we were so excited! We had planned on spending the whole day together and had a list of places we wanted to go. Lots of looking and shopping and a girly lunch.

Well.

Her day off from nursing school just so happened to be on Veteran's Day, and do you know what's not open on Veteran's Day? City offices. And do you know what Joshua's Therapeutic Recreation is part of? A city office.

Time to rethink the plans.

We decided to stay here in town, and all THREE of us look around and all THREE of us go shopping and all THREE of us go to lunch.

However, since most of the places we had planned on going in town were full of "pretties" that girls...not most guys...would love, I had to bribe encourage a happy heart from Joshua with the promise of lunch at Chick-Fil-A.

And so we got to hear a lot from Joshua, like:

1) WHY is that Santa so skinny? THAT'S not how Santa should look.

2) Well, THAT'S a weihrd lookin' angel.

3) It would take a decade to burn that candle.

4) PIGS aren't Christmas-y.

5) WHY is that Nutcracker BLACK? (this was said right in front of a sweet African-American woman shopping on the same aisle. Jesus take me now).

6) Same thing with the dark-skinned Wise Man in the nativity scene: "never thought there was a BLACK Wise Man..." (And, again, this was said in front of a young African-American lady filling out an employment application) (It was at this point that I launched into a rambling discourse of how the king was from Africa or somewhere in the middle east...I HAVE NO IDEA...I'M JUST TALKING...where people have dark skin, like his best friend, Marcy. And the whole time I'm looking for the back door. WHERE IS THE BACK DOOR?)

"Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony...side by side on my piano keyboard, oh, Lord, why can't weeeee?"

Here's an idea: let's have lunch.

As promised, we ended up at Chick and all was well with the world once more. Joshua ate his #1-plain-no-hot-pickles-with-a-Sprite and then we were ready to conquer HomeGoods and Pier One.

Holly was having a big time, looking at and touching everything in HomeGoods and then Joshua got, "the look."

Now, Moms all know "the look." It's just that most moms are used to getting "the look" from their potty-training pre-schoolers...when they are in the check-out line at Kroger with a full buggy of groceries...including ice-cream.

Mmmmm-mmm...yep, you know it's true.

And Joshua is potty-trained, and has been for, oh...about 25 years, praise Jesus...but he's not always able to discern the rumblies in his tumblie until we are in a "situation."

So I said, "Joshua, are you okay?" And he whispered, "I need to take a DUMP."

And, let me just say right here that the phrase, "take a dump" is not one I have used or encouraged in my home, but BOYS.

They think it's hilarious and it always gets a rise out of me.

And, let me ALSO say right here that while Joshua whispered the "I need to take..." part...the part where he said, "a DUMP" was said LOUD AND CLEAR.

Of course it was.

So I walked to the restrooms at the front of the store, and told Joshua I would wait outside. I said, "MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TOILET PAPER FIRST," and he said, "okay."

And then I waited. And I was sweating. And I was thinking, "I need a drink." But then I remembered that I DON'T DRINK. Never have. But, at this point, I would not have been opposed to a Xanax.

And then I heard him flush. And then I heard, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh."

And then I heard him flush again. And then I heard, "AHHHHHHHHH."

What in the world?

And then I heard the 3rd flush...and finally I heard the water running in the sink.

I was thinking, "Whew! Thank goodness!"

And I was also thinking, "there is no telling what has gone on in there and please, dear Lord, don't let anyone else be in there."

Then, I heard him getting paper towels and it sounded like he was beatin' the "WHEY" out of the paper towel holder. WHAMWHAMWHAM...silence. WHAMWHAMWHAM.

Finally, he came out. I looked him over...and just to be on the safe side, I got out my bottle of Bath and Body Works hand-gel and put a huge squirt in his hand.

We found Holly. I walked up to her and said, "let's go." She said, "Well, YOU went to the bathroom and came back cranky."

Oh, yeah?

You want a piece of me, Missy?

Tell me I'm cranky ONE MORE TIME.

"He is your constant source of stability..." Isaiah 33:6