Knowing Clark Less

Today, we've had a quiet day. I made muffins for breakfast because MONDAY. And Joshua was so excited and happy. So many changes going on, but he was happy to have his Muffins On Monday. :)

I woke up early. It was Logan's first day of Occupational Therapy school...and Morgan's first "real" day as an intern (also known as her semester of practice teaching). Holly had to be in Little Rock by 6:15 for work. I just needed to get on up and get to prayin'!

I decided to have a comfort-food dinner tonight. I made chicken and dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn-on-the-cob, salad...and bread. I only made the bread because I had it in the freezer, and I was afraid it had been in the there too long...you know that Jim does not eat bread. In fact, none of this would be on his gluten-free, twigs and grass diet...but he scarfed it up like it was his first meal in days.

The food was comforting, but my baby is still at college. And I miss him. :(

I read something last week, and I wish I could remember where, so I could give them credit...but a mom was writing that the reason we are sad about a child leaving for college is because once we do...we know them less.

I started thinking about this and she is so right. From the time they start to school, you know them less than you used to.

Remember when they were little, and you were their whole world?

And then you signed them up for Mother's Day Out or some sort of pre-school...or they went to Kindergarten, and all of a sudden...you weren't their whole world anymore. There were friends to play with, and teachers who hugged them when they fell down on the playground. Just like mom. They talked all day and shared their life with other people...and by the time they came home, they were tired. They didn't tell you everything...partly because they were exhausted from the day, and partly because they just couldn't remember it all...and all of a sudden, you know them less.

Then there's elementary school...and middle school...junior high and high school. There's church and sports and camps and work...and with each year and each activity and each person that takes them away from your sphere of influence...you know them less.

Now, my youngest child is away at college. He's been there 5 days. Even tho he is not the most talkative child, I miss hearing even the little bit he would share about his day. He's been living at his college since Thursday, and I haven't heard from him much. I can see from the schedule he sent...the activities they are offering during this time of orientation. I don't know if he's gone to all of the activities, or skipped out on some.

I don't know how he's sleeping. Or if he's adjusting to sharing a bathroom with 3 other guys. Or if the temp in his room is hot...or cold. I don't know if he's still getting along with his roommate. Or anything about the other people he's met. I don't know if he is enjoying all of the orientation activities they've had this week.

I don't know if he's figuring out that he has everything he needs...or if he's thinking of things he's wishing he had.

I don't know if he misses us.

Because I know him less than ever before.

The text he sent me yesterday said for me not to worry. Riiiiight. Actually, I'm not WORRIED. I'm just curious. I want to share in all of this with him, but it's not really my place, I guess. He's a 19 year old college freshman, and he is SO READY for this new chapter of life.

In his text, he also told me that he was so happy there...and that made me and Jim happy...and relieved.

I've been reading all of the back-to-school posts...and I've been about in tears. Those first day jitters are for realz. For the kids AND the moms. I read Shay's post about crying as she tucked her kids into bed the night before school, and listen...I get it. Every night this week, I crawl into bed and, as I'm saying my prayers for my college boy (and my other kids)...the tears are rolling down my face. Every.single.time.

And this is our 3rd time to send one of ours to college. It doesn't get easier, people.

This growing up stuff...it stinks and it's awesome and it's hard and it's fun. I love my grown-up kids, but I miss them being little, too. I love that they are making their own way, and I'm proud of the choices they are making with their lives. I love that Holly has a husband and Logan has a wife and Clark has a girlfriend...but this means that I know them less because others hear the deep stirrings of their hearts before I do. And that's okay. And that's how it's supposed to be.

We have Joshua, and he's 29 years old. He lives at home with us and we love it and we love him. But he knows...he knows that his 3 YOUNGER siblings have all left home, and he is still here. We try our best to make it okay. We tell him that we are ALL different and we all do different things.

Not sure if he's buying it.

Every stage, every age...those growing pains are hard on us mommies. Even tho that's what moms and dads are supposed to do...raise children to be Jesus-loving, compassionate, sincere, caring, encouraging, confident, capable men and women...who will leave home and make their own way and eventually make a difference in the world. 

Right?

It's just so hard to let them go...to feel like, as parents, we are DONE.

Or maybe that's just me.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book." Psalm 56:8