I know I write about my in-laws a lot, but they are just so interesting.
They live in a 3 story house on a lake, and, if I was a bettin' woman, I would bet you that in your WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE you have never seen a house like theirs.
To quote Taylor Swift, "like, ever."
The outside of the house looks normal. like a nice family might live there...maybe with a dog. As you get closer, though, you can see that this is no ordinary house.
It doesn't matter if it's December or July, there are GIANT, plastic Easter eggs lining one side of the driveway. As the drive continues up the hill, you'll see bed sheets laid out on top of some shrubs, and bed sheets UNDER others...on the ground. Walking around the side of the house, you will see a small paddle boat, half-buried in the ground. It looks like it might have started out as a really unique planter, but now it's just a catch-all for all matter of buckets, gravel and plastic pots.
Or, maybe it's the remains of a wayward 3 hour tour!
If you continue around that side of the house, you will hear music coming from the radio on the back porch. It stays on all day, every day. On full blast.
At the top of the hill, in a flower bed around the base of a tree...is what we call the "bicycle graveyard." It's where old, broken down bicycles go to die. On one of the last times I was there, I counted 13 bikes. Some missing seats...some missing pedals...one was missing the handle-bars. None of them were usable. And rain, sleet, burning hot sun...they stay there...under that tree...where my father-in-law put them.
If you go around to the carport, you are in for a treat! Old furniture stacked nearly up to the ceiling. In one corner, there are plastic flower arrangements...like the kind you put on graves? Yeah. My mother-in-law has them grouped by season and occasion. She said that when she dies, we'll never have to buy flowers for her grave. Eeek!
Everywhere you look, there are packages of paper-towels, toilet paper...and cases of soda and washing powder. You know what she does with all of the extra supplies? She shares. Whenever we go down to their house...or whenever any of our kids go down to visit...she is right there in that carport, hobbling from one side to another..."you need any Tide? You need any toilet tish-ah?"
They have several refrigerators too, and they are all FULL. Oh, you just have no idea. But you know who DOES have an idea? The saw-ham thief.
And every member of our family.
Every time we leave their house, it's with sacks and sacks of groceries and supplies. She has groceries in the kitchen, in the u-til-tee (utility) room, in the corner of the living room, and the front bedroom...also known as "Mammaw Irene's room." May she rest in peace.
The u-til-tee room has shelves full of cereal...all different kinds. Jim likes Honey Nut Cheerios, so she really stocks up on that. And by "stocks up" I mean, she buys about 10 boxes at a time! Seriously. She also uses her coupons to get Lucky Charms and Corn Flakes and some sort of S'Mores flavored cereal that she ended up giving to Logan. She's got boxes of every kind of cracker, and bags and bags of assorted chips. TONS of peanut butter, jelly, ketsup, oatmeal...and canned goods out the wha-zoo. And every size of ziploc bags. She also has toiletries...soap, deodorant, shampoo, etc. I'm not even kidding. It is unreal. And she gives it all away to her 3 sons and their families...if she can.
She is the most generous person I know.
She will not let us leave until we have packed up some groceries. While she is loading us up, my father-in-law is putting on a show. "JACK...quit giving them all the new stuff. Give them some of the old stuff." Then to me, "she has 10 boxes of cereal in there and she keeps buying more. She gives Y'ALL all the good cereal and leaves me with the old cereal full of bugs."
And she goes, "GENE...stop."
And he goes, "I gare-ron-tee I will NOT stop. It's the TRUTH. Mahhh-tha (that's what he calls me), do you like eating cereal with BUGS in it?"
He gets louder and LOUDER, and she keeps packing us up.
They do love each other, I promise.
Their refrigerators are crammed full of food. Except it's mostly left-over food. They save EVERYTHING. If it's scraps, it goes to the dogs...but if it's good enough for human consumption, it goes in a plastic butter tub, sour cream tub or cottage cheese tub. You get the drift.
It works for them...until we all come home and then there 's no room for anything in the frig and things that have needed to be thrown out for a WHILE...have to be thrown out.
I don't really know how or why the jar of pickles was marked for disposal, I just know that Jim's mom went outside and threw them down the hill toward the lake..."for the squirrels," she said. And then she rinsed out the jar and the lid, set them aside to be used another day.
Which, I am working on a post telling what my father-in-law does with squirrels on the property...he hates them with a passion, so let's just say that I thought it was funny that my mother-in-law said she was feeding the squirrels.
The next thing I knew, our black Lab, Maggie, was chowing down on those pickles. Jim is the dog person, so when he and the kids and the dog all went back in the house later, I remember saying, "I don't think you should let Maggie in the house after eating those pickles."
And they basically blew me off.
When will they listen to me?
All I know is that less than an hour later, my kids were running over each other to get out of the house.
Maggie had thrown up. In the living room.
Now, I'm not the smartest bulb in the bunch, but I saw this coming. I watched Maggie eat all of those pickles...and I noticed her stomach was getting larger by the minute. And watching her lay out on the porch, I could see her stomach moving and rumbling. I imagined all of those rotten pickles fermenting in her belly.
It was just a matter of time.
I sat outside while Jim cleaned up the mess inside. I felt a little bad about not going in there, you know...being that I'm the help-meet God made from a man's rib and all...BUT I TOLD HIM NOT TO LET HER IN THE HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Plus...dog puke and the smell.
So, what have we learned?
*things aren't always what they seem, until they are.
*my in-laws...I don't even...
*don't let dogs eat rotten pickles
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom..." Psalm 111:10
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