Thursday, March 20, 2014


When Clark was born, he was 12 1/2 weeks early. I've written about that here on my blog. He had to stay in the hospital for 7 weeks, while I got to come home. It was torture to be away from him...the hospital was an hour away...50 minutes if I went above the speed limit hurried. I had 3 other kids at home to take care the first day or two that I was home, I tried to stay busy. Jim had told me that we could go to the hospital every other day...because I needed to rest and traveling was hard.


I know he was just watching out for me. I had a ton of complications with Clark and was very sick before and after he was born. But it didn't take me long to realize that I had to see my baby every day.

EVERY DAY. And it was gonna take more than Jim to stop me.

So, I planned and plotted how I was going to get down there. I wasn't supposed to drive for 2 weeks after my c-section, but I couldn't stand it. It had already been about a week, and I decided I was going. Jim took Joshua and Holly to school, and I got Logan all ready to ride with me. I remember easing myself into the driver's seat and buckling my seat-belt. It wasn't comfortable, but I was going to see my baby. I wasn't taking any pain pills or anything like that. I figured I wasn't gonna hurt myself too much unless I had to slam on the breaks or had a wreck.

I'm certainly not recommending this...I just couldn't NOT GO. A part of me...a piece of my heart...was in the hospital, and I couldn't bear to be away from him.

Logan and I would drive to LR in the mornings. We were only allowed certain times in the NICU and only for 30 minutes. My goal was to be there for two of those sessions, and then head home.

Wanna try keeping a 4 year old entertained for several hours in a HOSPITAL?

Didn't think so.

We parked in the hospital's parking deck, and very carefully walked across the sky-bridge thing and took the elevator to the NICU. If it was visiting times, we washed our hands and put on a gown and waited to be allowed in. We couldn't hold Clark at first. In fact, he couldn't really have any stimulation at all...but I would sit and watch him breathe and listen to the nurses give me an update on how he did during the night.

Actually, they told me that children (like Logan) were only allowed if it was determined that they could behave properly. I mean...LOTS going on in the NICU. Not just with my child. There are lines and monitors and flashing lights. And things are quiet, so that the littlest ones aren't overly stimulated. Logan was an angel, and for the 20-30 minutes we got to be in there with Clark, he was still and quiet.

I'm a pretty shy person. Well, not shy, exactly. More like...reserved. I like to be in the background, surveying the situation. I'm not one to jump in head-first to anything until I've gotten the lay-of-the-land. I will listen as other people talk, and I won't say a word.

I always want to be learning new things. And, I'm not a doctor or a nurse or a teacher or a therapist, so I listen carefully when they tell me things about my children.

But I believe God gave moms a "gut" feeling about've had it, right? We should listen to it and at the very least check it out. We know our children...we felt the signs of life, before anyone else. We felt them as they stretched inside our bellies. We felt them hiccup. We felt them kick.

Some of us felt as they grew still.

I never forget my children. They are never far from my mind. When it comes to their care, I can be pretty assertive. I will listen to others and their expert opinions and advice...but those are my children. I KNOW them...just as God KNOWS us. How we feel about our children is how He feels for us.

Updated to add: I wrote this several weeks ago, but today read THIS post...a perfect reminder of how God feels about us.

God made my children...I grew them in my body. I birthed them, nursed them, rocked them, sang to them, encouraged them and disciplined them.

I have stormed Heaven on their behalf many times.

Sometimes, they've broken me...but not really. When I am weak, God is strong.

So, yes...I will drive, walk or crawl to get to one of my babies...even now that they are big and think they are grown. And nothing and no one will stop me.

I'm a mother.

"Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? Even if that were possible, I would not forget you!" Isaiah 49:15

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