I remember like it was yesterday...the births of each of our 4 children. Two of them, the first and the last, were born with potentially life-threatening complications...but all 4 births were precious and miraculous...all 4 planned, hoped and prayed for.
Life was crazy, as you can imagine. I remember when we announced our 3rd pregnancy. The comment I got from most people was, "you already have one of each!" Meaning, we had one boy and one girl already...things were fairly manageable. When we went out, we could each keep our eyes on one child. Why would we want more?
One thing we quickly realized after our 3rd baby was that we instantly went from "man-to-man"...to "zone." Seriously. If you know sports, you know what I'm taking about. If you have 3 kids, you can have 15...because after they out-number you,
When you choose to have children, you have to imagine that life as you knew it would never be the same. Even so, it's difficult to imagine what you can't imagine. Am I right? Our lives were filled with spills and mistakes (theirs and ours), and lots of fun and laughter. There was school and church, carpool and gymnastics, dance and football and soccer...and all kinds of other sports and activities; therapy and scary hospital stays and friends who stood with us in hard times and during loss...and then celebrated with us in times of great joy. Jim and I sometimes met ourselves coming and going, but we were at team, he and I...and the kids.
People tell you about sick babies and teething and being up all night. They talk about the terrible twos...about discipline and teaching and parenting with grace. What we found out is that no one tells you about the teenager phase and beyond. Might be a good thing...we wouldn't have believed them anyway!
Side note: Anyone but me feel like our generation is WAY more hands-on than our parent's generation was? It's great, don't get me wrong. I was in the Pep Club in High School, and I don't ever remember my parents coming to any of the games when I cheered. On the other hand, Jim and I sat thru MANY Saturday Peewee football games WHEN WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BOY ON THE TEAM...just to watch Holly cheer: "my back aches, my skirt's too tight, my hips shake from left to right...watch out...Eagles knock you OUT!"
Seriously? What was I thinking...letting her say that?
But Jim and I planned our weekends around her games. It never occurred to us to do anything else. And this past football season? Jim and I went to every sophomore, JV and Varsity game but ONE...even tho Clark was injured and couldn't play. Clark was there, standing on the sidelines...and we were there, too...sitting, cheering and standing...to support HIM.
Anyway, it seems like most people believe once your kids turn 16 and can drive...that they are "grown up." Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that they now have the ability to go to places you might not approve of...with people you might not approve of...and without anyone knowing. And even if their hearts and intentions are good, they can get themselves into situations that are way over their heads. Because teens don't ever think anything bad could happen to them, they typically don't think to plan a way out. Now, it's good for them to make a few mistakes and have to figure things out on their own...and learn to accept the consequences that result from their choices. What we all hope and pray is that these mistakes are small in the big scheme of things...and not life-altering. We always told our kids that they could call us no matter what. There would be consequences and we would talk about it later...but at that moment, just call us and we will come get you...no matter what.
Our kids' high school years were fairly busy with school and church activities, homework, athletics, and responsibilities at home. We did a LOT as a family...together...all 6 of us. Many times, we had some extra kids tag along. I liked it that way.
Family is very important to us. And I will admit that we raised each of our kids differently. We have always told our kids that we weren't gonna attempt to treat them all the same...but that we would make every effort to treat them all fair.
Because aren't each of your kids so different?
Mine are. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another one. And, as much as we said we would not do this...we parented our daughter differently that we did our sons. She reminds us of this constantly. But there are just concerns that are unique to having daughters and some that are unique when you have sons...so we wanted to mold and discipline and teach and protect accordingly. We kept a close watch over each of them. It was time-consuming, not gonna lie. We knew their friends. We knew their friends' parents. We tried to network. We got involved in their school and met the teachers and coaches. We trusted our kids, but we always told them that we were accountable to God for how we raised them. And goodness...we made a lot of mistakes. And a lot of the choices we made...they didn't like (big surprise). In fact, now that they are older, there is a
And then they go OFF on all of that...all in good fun, of course.
Yeah. Good times.
The little rats.
Excuse ME for caring.
My kids' teenage years, so far, (our youngest is 17) have not been that difficult.
Wait.
WHAT?
Let me back up. They were/are very difficult...the attitudes, the selfishness...WAIT! I thought we were talking about ME! (hahaha) Just kidding. Except not.
The hardest thing is the fear that we weren't doing it right...or doing enough.
As I write this, our baby just finished up his sophomore year of high school. The other 3 have already made it through to the "other side." (ha) I guess the reason I said that the high school years haven't been that difficult is because I HAVE seen the other side...the after-high school, college, young-adult phase...and I have never been on my knees more than in these seasons of life. Because things seem more important now. Choices and decisions all seem so heavy..."more heavier" as Joshua would say...and potentially life-changing. Our kids are dealing with college and grad school choices, vocations, where to move, getting married...and finding a church home. Soon it will be issues related to starting their families. What we've found is that we have had to be even more diligent in parenting even in these stages of their lives. Of course, our parenting style has changed as the kids have grown. Obviously, with our older ones, we have backed off as far as discipline and having "control" over what they do goes...and we are in more of a mentor/advisor/friend role. I am LOVING the young-adult phase of life SO MUCH! And I totally did not ever think I would!
So with our 10th grader...we had just moved to a new town. We don't know the friends or the parents or the teachers...we don't have a network. It's tough starting all that from scratch. Teenagers don't think they need parenting, but they do. Definitely, as they grow up, we have encouraged those baby steps toward independence. Isn't it sad when kids are so babied that they can't do anything for themselves? We wanted to teach our kids to work hard, and how to manage their money...and their time. And we didn't...and don't...want to waste an opportunity to influence and encourage our children in their spiritual lives. Because as difficult as the newborn/childhood phase is...as helpless as you feel...as much as you pray for direction and discernment and for their futures...it's nothing compared to how uncertain you feel about them and their futures when they are in high school and college. And, as I'm finding out, when they're out of college and married. Because you know how you wanted to raise them...and how you THINK (in your mind) you raised them...but, like, everyone ever in the history of the world, they have their own minds and their own free wills to make their own choices...and the uncertainty comes when you want them to choose the best way...the right school and job and church and friends...when you don't know what is the best way for them. And you can advise and influence them if you are asked (and only if you are asked, please)...but you don't really get a "say" in the matter. Ugh. So hard! But God is faithful!
The role of a parent constantly changes and evolves. Like teaching a child to ride a bike...we have to hang on tight and steady them in the beginning, but eventually they take off on their own. And each child takes off in their own time and in their own way. Some need us to hang on longer...and some seem to not need that support much at all.
Keeps me on my knees.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:5)
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