One thing that was really important for us as we started out parenting was teaching our kids respect.
My Dad was raised in a military family. Children, in his day, were to be seen but not heard. As an only child, he was the perfect little man at an early age. His parents loved the social scene, military Balls and such, and my Dad was taught to appreciate manners and order and civility. He didn't fight against it, even as he grew up. He did exactly what was expected of him at all times. It was the only way he knew. And there's nothing wrong with that.
My Mom, on the other hand, grew up in the same small town her whole life. She knew everyone, and had great friends and lots of family around her. She was a social butterfly, and loved proms and parties and dances. When she started dating my Dad, she said she felt so lucky because he was considered quite the catch. A BMOC (big man on campus). (Side note: I think he felt like the lucky one...and seemed to adore my Mom to the end of her life)
My Mom grew up in a home where both of her parents worked, and worked hard. They didn't ever have a lot of money. When my Dad and Mom married, she fully embraced the military life. She tried very hard to fit in with my Dad's family by learning all the social graces. She never felt like she measured up in their eyes, but my Dad sure thought she did!
So, I grew up in a 2nd generation military family. We said, "yes, ma'am" and "no sir." We sat still in church and we went to the bathroom BEFORE the service...not during it. We removed our hats and stood for the pledge...out of respect for the flag, and for those who serve. We wrote thank you notes for gifts, and letters to our Grandparents every few weeks. We answered the phone with "Logan's residence." We said Grace before we ate one bite of food, and asked "may I be excused?" before we got up from the table. There was no sassin' our parents. In fact, we weren't allowed to even question them if we felt like they were being unfair, or...God forbid...WRONG! We listened to what they had to say, and I'm 100% sure that what kept me out of trouble on more than one occasion (besides the grace of God) was the thought that I would disappoint my parents.
So, all of that, combined with Jim's hard-working, respect-authority family, gave us plenty of ideas to draw from when it came to our own parenting style. And let me just say that I am in no way criticizing our parents for how they raised us. Both Jim and I grew up in loving homes and our parents did their best with what they had and what they knew...just like we are trying to do our best with what we have and what we know as we raise our own children. Isn't it
Well.
THAT stinks...
But our parents' views and values made us the people we are today. We are very thankful for our parents.
It was important for our kids to respect God...and the things that are important to our faith: ceremonies, baptisms, services, principles, beliefs, the Bible. We tried to reinforce what we heard from the pulpit...not just counting on the weekly church meetings and Sunday School teachers to teach our kids about God. We wanted to encourage our kids that our faith is not about a "religion," it's about a "relationship." We tried to bring Jesus into the every day things going on in our home, and make him relatable, which He is...and we encouraged questions about everything, even if we didn't have all the answers.
I am saying we "tried" these things...I hope no one thinks it was easy, or that we were perfect parents raising these children. We were NOT. We failed many days. In fact, most nights, I would fall into bed with the weight of all I had done wrong that day heavy on my heart...the angry words I had spoken or the look of disappointment in one of the kids' eyes when I blew it. Being a stay-at-home Mom, the bulk of the every day teaching fell on me...and Mommy guilt is very real. But I tried to be an example to the kids thru my honesty...showing that mommy messes up, too, and God forgives...and His mercies are new every morning.
It was important for our kids to show respect to us, as their parents...and to their grandparents, great-grandparents, and other family members. Also, unlike how we were raised, we did allow our children to come to us if they thought we were being unfair to them. We didn't always respond in the right way right then...sometimes we had to think on it a while and allow God to move on our hearts...or on our kids' hearts...before we figured out exactly what to do. And we also listened if they had observations or concerns about people in authority over them...teachers, coaches...even family members. Because kids are perceptive, and because you just never know. And because I don't care who you are, if you hurt my child in any way, I will hunt you down and it will not go well for you.
We tried to teach our boys to be respectful of girls and women...not viewing them in a subservient way, by any means. But that girls are different and special, just like they are...as boys. I know this is not a popular way of thinking, and it's a hard thing to explain. When we started out, we were going to treat all 4 of our kids the exact same. If our boys wanted to play with dolls, and our girl wanted a toy truck, that was going to be fine for us. But somewhere along the way, I realized that it's not about any of that...for me. I'm a girl and I love it...and I want that to be okay. I don't want to be a boy, but I love my boys. And I love my girl. I wanted to teach them to embrace who they are and how God created them...and be okay with that. Jim was big on letting our boys being boys...so he kept them outside playing and doing things that would scare me half-to-death, and wrestled with them on the living room floor. They played football and spit in the yard and peed off the deck (the boys, not Jim!). Lots of the time, Holly was right in the big middle of the rough-housing, but she was just born a girly-girl and would much rather play with her dolls or have me paint her nails...in the house...because her was hot and boys are gross.
So for our family, we wanted our boys to know that it was okay to expect the same skill level from a woman as a man at a job; that it was okay and right to expect equal pay for equal work; that even if you work with a woman (or a man) that you don't agree with, you can still show respect for them; that opening doors, holding an umbrella, or standing up when a woman approaches your table in no way means you think less of women.
*I'm not trying to be all...like that...politically correct or old school or whatever..so any haters who may read this, let's all have some grace for each other. I said from the beginning that these are values that are important in our family. This blog is mainly written for my children. Jim and I are just doing the best we can to raise our children according to how we feel we've been called...and if we'll all just respect each other, we might all learn something from each other.*
Jesus talked to women and included them in His ministry. Throughout the Bible, God used women to further His kingdom. He did not think less of people because of their sex. He does provide an orderly way for a home to function, but always, always with respect given to each partner. Ann Voskamp does a GREAT job of explaining how Jesus views women in this post. For me to rehash that is...well, to rehash that.
I think that any of us who have been married any length of time know that there are times in marriage when one spouse has to take more of the load for a bit. Maybe one has a big test at school, or a huge project at work; maybe one has experienced a loss or tragedy that has deeply affected them; maybe there's a job loss, or a health issue. Maybe you just want to give the other spouse a break...and, in all of these situations, it doesn't matter if you are the man or the woman. In marriage, you need to have respect for your partner...for who they are, what they are going through, and for the contributions they make each day for your family.
We want our boys to be respectful young men...at school, at work, at church, at home...and in life; to (in the future) love and respect their wives. We want our boys to love the Lord and be godly husbands...to be good providers, companions. leaders, lovers, encouragers, supporters, teachers, partners...and Dads.
"Likewise urge the young men to be sensible in all things." (Titus 2:6)
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