It's been about 6 months since Jim and I found out we were going to be grandparents. And so it's been about 6 months and a few days, since Holly let me tell her news at choir practice one night, and I pretty much lost my mind...and, in the process, gave up any last shred of hope I might've had for leaving this life in a somewhat dignified manner.
Sorry not sorry.
But that night, someone came up to me and said, "so, what do you want?" I said, "excuse me?" He repeated the question.
I still had no idea what he was talking about.
Then he said, "boy or girl? What do you want?"
Honestly, I hadn't even thought about it at that point. We'd known Holly was pregnant for approximately FIVE DAYS at this point...I was still adjusting to that news.
I never really cared boy/girl when I was pregnant with my OWN babies, and I sure don't have a preference when it comes to my grandchildren. Not that anyone's PREFERENCE is going to change things one way or another.
Holly is having a BOY, but the consensus of everyone we've told is that boy/girl doesn't matter, "as long as it's healthy." Because, that's what we say, right? And that's what we pray for.
And, please don't get me wrong...I hope and PRAY that our grandson is healthy.
But...what if he's not?
Jim and I have 4 children. Two were born "healthy," and two were not. But I would choose them all again a million times over...each one of them...NO MATTER WHAT. My "unhealthy" babies? They were just as loved, and just as wanted, as my healthy babies...and I fought just as hard, if not harder, to bring them into the world.
Meaning that, I did my part, but, of course, the outcome was in God's hands (and, to be clear, the outcome is ALWAYS in God's hands).
Let me offer up these words:
"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139: 13-16
Notice: HE made, HE knit, HE watched, HE saw, HE recorded, HE laid out every moment...for every one of us.
This means my "chromosomally enhanced" baby, my 12 1/2 week premature baby...and the two "healthy" ones who came between. It means babies lost before birth, and the ones lost after birth. It means the ones born healthy, and the ones born unhealthy. HE made, HE knit, HE watched, HE saw, HE recorded, HE laid out every moment.
Please pray for our family during these next few weeks, as we prepare to meet our precious baby boy. We are so excited! I pray he is strong. I pray he is healthy. But I am also praying these hard words, "Your will, not mine."
Because those words are easy to say and easy to pray...when it comes to saying them to and praying them for...someone else. For OTHER PEOPLE. Right? Haven't people said that to you..."praying God's will for you!" Haven't you said them to someone else? We toss that phrase around like it's no big deal...but it's a VERY big deal. And it's harder when we pray them for ourselves.
Because we struggle with whether we can truly trust that God wants the best for us.
Or, maybe that's just me.
Because we want God's will as long as it doesn't hurt...or take away someone we love; as long as we don't have to move, change, fight, suffer, stay, go...let go; as long as His will lines up with OUR will.
So, we are praying for God's will...and for the strength to accept and embrace whatever that is.
That's always the best way to pray, right?
Even when it's the hardest.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; He makes my feet like the deer's; He makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19