Heaven

Our pastor has been doing a sermon series on Heaven for the past few weeks. It's been really good, and I've learned a lot.

Gotta be honest...I've never been that curious about Heaven. Like, the details of Heaven. For me, Jesus, my Mom and my Grandmother are there. That's pretty much all I need to know.

I asked Jesus to be my Savior when I was a child, and so my eternal destiny is sealed. I'm not one bit afraid of dying.

Check that. I'm not afraid of death. The dying part...as in HOW I will die? Not a fan of that. I've seen how hard it is on everyone when a person suffers for a long time before their death. And I've LIVED how hard it is when someone dies suddenly and without warning. Guess it's good that God knows best and I don't get a say in any of it.

I want everyone to know Jesus, to enjoy a life with His help and guidance...and to have assurance that they, too, will live in eternity in Heaven when they die. But the biggest draw for having a relationship with Jesus, for me, is not what will be in the future, as great as that is going to be. It's the constant presence of God's Spirit in my life RIGHT NOW. Like, every minute of every day.

I need Him so much.

All the time.

The things we have gone through with Joshua...and still deal with on a daily basis with him; Clark's birth and cancer; And pretty much every single day of our ordinary lives...I CANNOT IMAGINE handling difficulties and trials without God's help.

So, yeah...Heaven. The Bible says there will be no tears, no death, no sorrow, no pain in Heaven. SIGN ME UP. As far as a description of Heaven...mansions, pearly gates and streets of gold pretty much sum up the extent of what I know.

But even with limited knowledge and information about Heaven, I long for it. I really do. I know I don't deserve it at all. Maybe that's why I have never focused much on all the "extras" waiting for me there, because just getting there...getting to see Jesus and my Mom and my Grandmother, and a host of other family and friends...is enough, and far above anything I could ever imagine.

I have really enjoyed learning more about Heaven. Our pastor has done a great job making things easy to understand. He told us not to speculate about things the Bible doesn't tell us about Heaven. He did tell us that we could imagine what it will be like based on what we DO know. He also spent a little time shooting down popular myths about Heaven. He made things very clear.

Even for Joshua.

I think I've written that Joshua's hearing is not that good, but he does appear to listen to the sermon. I wonder what he is able to actually hear from the pastor. He is able to keep up with the sermon notes, because those are put on the big screen.

On one of our drives to Little Rock last week, he randomly said, "do you know what I like best about Heaven?" I was so interested to hear what he had to say. I figured it would be about seeing his Grandmother again. I was not prepared for his response.

He said, "no moles...no down."

No moles? Didn't really get that, but we have a lot of moles in our family. I'm guessing he thought his moles made his skin imperfect, and the pastor said we will have a new and perfect body in Heaven.

No down? This broke my heart, because he meant no "down." As in DOWN SYNDROME.

I just wanted to cry. I mean, of course he's right. I mean, I guess he is.

But I'm not gonna lie...nothing would tickle me more than if, when we get to Heaven, our "perfect" bodies that God gives us are small and "travel-sized," and we all have little tiny ears. Just sayin. :)

I guess I thought that we had made it okay for him. Yes, he has Down Syndrome, but we have always believed...and taught our kids...that God created Joshua just the way he is. All 47 chromosomes. Especially the extra one. I believe that with all of my heart. If God created him that way, why would Joshua need to change in Heaven to be "perfect?"

It broke my heart that he realizes how different he is...because we like to think that we have made this really great life for him and that he is awesome and that there's nothing wrong with him just the way he is.

Then someone sent this to me today, and I cried my eyes out.

When Joshua was dedicated to the Lord in front of our church, as a 3 month old baby, I remember our very high-brow pastor holding him in front of the congregation (kind of like a "Lion King" moment, when Rafiki held Simba up to show the people) (ha), and emphatically saying, "God don't make no junk."

And He doesn't. And He is good. And OF COURSE I want Joshua to enjoy being perfect and whole in every way.

It's just hard to realize that what Joshua is most excited about when he thinks about Heaven is... "no down."

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Revelations 21:4

What We Threw Away...(from Mom's house)

My Mom died suddenly. She was 59.

She hadn't been feeling well. When she wasn't better after 2 weeks, she went to see the doctor. He ran some lab work, and told her she probably had a stomach bug. Her lab results came in the mail the following Monday...all tests were "normal."

She died that night.

Fifteen years ago.

In the days and weeks after her death, our family came together to support my dad. And each other.

One of the most daunting tasks was going through all of my Mom's stuff. She was not only a wife and mother, she was a grandmother, daughter, friend, employee, choir member. My Dad was the director of their Sunday School department, and she helped him with that...and she had formed a women's ensemble that sang at various churches and events throughout the year. She.Was.Busy.

And larger than life.

She lit up a room everywhere she went. She didn't intend to ever be late, but she also didn't seem too concerned...as long as people were waiting on HER, and not the other way around. Her philosophy seemed to be "it'll start when I get there."

It was obvious from what was left behind that she had no intention of ever slowing down. She had plans. Her schedule was full.

But you know what matters? None of that.

So we slowly began to go through my Mom's things. Her clothes were fairly easy to part with. All of us kids live out-of-state, and so we didn't really have any memories of her in certain outfits...memories that would make it hard to part with her things. She had a TON of jewelry, tho. Mainly costume jewelry. If you ever saw my Mom, she was put-together from head to toe.

The things in her home were a different story for us. We didn't want to completely empty the house, because my Dad was still living there...but the presence of her touch in the home was undeniable. Every vase, picture, book, lamp, statue...was placed in her home, in that exact spot...BY HER.

And the house smelled like her. Every room, every closet, even the garage. From the moment you walked through the door, it smelled like her...smelled like home.

I wonder if it still does?

After a couple of years, my Dad began to date a nice lady and they made plans to marry. He put the house on the market to sell. We went through and cleaned out everything...every sign of her. 

What we threw/gave away...clothing, shoes, purses, broken necklaces, old medications (down the toilet), cosmetics.

What I kept: eye-lashes, fingernails and deodorant.

Thaaaaaaaat's right.

Got your attention?

For as long as I can remember, my Mom wore false eye-lashes. She always said that she didn't have any lashes to speak of (She also said that she only had 3 strands of hair on her head, and the beautician just had to tease them up to make it look like she had hair). In one of her drawers, she had a new pair of eye-lashes. I don't know. I just couldn't throw them away.

The other thing I kept is one of my Mom's fingernails. I know. SICK, right? Weird, at the very least. It wasn't her ACTUAL fingernail, people. That would be even sicker and weirder. My Mom wore acrylic nails...every day. And they were always the same color...a deep orange-y red. Right after my Mom died and we had just started the cleaning out process...we found my Mom's fingernails everywhere: in her bathroom drawers, in the bottom of her purses...in her CAR. We even found some out on the street curb. I think those may have fallen out when the sanitation workers were emptying the garbage. We laughed about it, because they were literally everywhere. And I'm pretty sure those things are not biodegradable. A century from now, in a land-fill somewhere, you'll probably find some charred orange-y red acrylic nails.

Just a little forget-me-not from Betty Jane.

I wanted to save one of the acrylic nails for Holly, because she loved getting into my Mom's jewelry and make up and nail polish and all things girlie...and I wanted her to remember about my Mom's nails.

The deodorant? I don't know what to tell ya. That's even weird to ME. It was one of those small "travel-sized" products. I didn't USE it. I just wanted to have it. I can't explain why.

I will tell you that I didn't throw it away until I was packing up to move here...13 years after her death.

What I learned...things are just that: THINGS. They can be replaced, broken, fought over, given away...or put in the trash. You can love your things, and stress over buying them and where you want to place them in your home. Your things can have sentimental meaning to you. But after you are gone, someone else determines their value. They put their evaluation on something that may have had tremendous meaning to you, and they decide, based on their wants, needs or preferences...what to do with all of those items. Even if it's something as intimate as a prayer journal or Bible...someone else decides if it's worth saving, or if it's clutter that belongs in the trash.

It's sad, really.

I struggled with that...with my Mom's things. I wanted to keep everything just the way it was...or, at the very least, in boxes that I could open anytime I wanted...just to remember her. And our lives with her.

In the end, we threw a lot away...or gave things away. But the memories you keep in your heart, those are treasures that no one can take from you.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy..." Matthew 6:19-20

Weekend Update

Nothing much to report from this weekend. On Friday night, Clark's football team lost to the team who had the 46 game winning streak, and it was OH.SO.SAD. They lost it rea in the last seconds...by 2 points. It was heartbreaking. I'm still not over it.

I will have to say, tho, that it was one of the best and most exciting games I've ever watched. Just wish it had gone our way.

We stayed home most of the day on Saturday. It was so nice. Holly and Aaron came over and we watched some football. Aaron and Joshua played BAGGO and threw the football around outside. H/A went home to grill out and watch the Arkansas game at their house. Clark's girlfriend made dinner for us, and brought it over. We ate and then watched the game. The Razorbacks lost big time, and Joshua was furious. He said we didn't have any defense, only "lazy-fense." Again, he blamed everything on the windbreaker our coach wears.

Sigh...

Today, we had SS and church, and then we hung around here. Holly and Aaron came over later this afternoon. Aaron and Joshua threw the football around again. It was really nice. The weather was beautiful ALL weekend, and that really helps things feel more like FALL!

This week, Clark's team has it's last regular season game. I am so sad to see this season end. It's been a lot of fun to watch Clark play. They will likely have at least one play-off game. Sure would be cool if they could GO.ALL.THE.WAY.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity..." Ecclesiastes 3:1

What They'll Remember

I was one of "those" moms...in the early years, anyway. You know the ones. 

Those same moms made my older self sigh with exhaustion when I saw all they were doing with and for their kids.

But I got to the point where I really appreciated them...their vision, their enthusiasm...their ENERGY. When I made the decision to take a step back, it was just good to know that things would be under control. I'm typically not a good "chief" or leader. I like to be the helper and work behind the scenes. If there's not a good leader, I'll do it. It's just not my skill set at all.

But, in the beginning, I was all gung-ho. I kept up with ALL of the class paperwork. My kids wore the right color on the right day. I made elaborate snacks and helped with the parties and went on all the field-trips. I cut my kids' sandwiches into different shapes or letters, depending on what lesson they were discussing at the time.

And I didn't do it to impress any other mom or teacher. I did it for ME. Because it was FUN!

And maybe, subconsciously, I did it because my Mom didn't do any of that stuff for us.

At any rate, I wouldn't change a thing.

I loved every minute of it.

But somewhere along the line, I lost a little bit of my edge. I had more children. I had less time. I had to prioritize things. I made a conscious decision to major on the majors.

Oh, I still helped with the parties...I couldn't do that for one of ours and not do it for the rest. I just signed up to "help," instead of being the Home-Room Mom. Honestly, it was bliss...a lot less pressure. And I still volunteered in the classrooms and in the school office. I loved doing that.

For us, the major thing we wanted to focus on was our kids' spiritual development (here, here, here and here). That, and family. Everything else had to either fall away, or fit in the empty places. And what better way to have an idea of what is going on in the school and the class and with the other kids...than to be in their classrooms or help out in the office? It kind of gave me a inside look into some of the struggles the kids faced on a daily basis.

And, you know, anytime you can be a light to a kid or a teacher...that's always a good thing. Not saying that I WAS...just saying that I tried. We can all use a friend, am I right?

I wonder what my kids will remember?

We tried to be there for them...every practice, every game, every meet, special lunch days at school, open houses, church events, piano/gymnastics/dance recitals, awards ceremonies. Will they only remember the ones we missed? We tried to be their greatest encouragers. Will they only remember the times we were too hard on them?

(sigh)

My mother-in-law...she is so good about remembering. She remembers everything. Anniversaries of lost loved ones, details about people, my favorite glass I use at her house, all of our favorite foods and candies.

I've tried to do the same with my own kids, even in the little things. My mother-in-law gave me a fork with an "L" on it...she bought it at a garage sale, "you, know...for Logan." Doesn't everyone have forks with the initials of their first names on them? No?

Well.

One of Joshua's "jobs" here at home is setting the table for our meals After Logan went to college, Joshua would say, "I don't want to give you Logan's fork, because I know it will make you too, too sad."

See? We all know that is LOGAN's fork, even though Logan has never really used it. I know Joshua will remember that.

When the kids have a birthday, or a game, or have done well on a test, or when our married/college kids come home...we make a "sign" for the door. Right now on the door coming in from our garage, there are 4 signs. Three are football related (for Clark), and one is a "congratulations" sign for my son-in-law, Aaron, because he closed on a big deal last week. Just typing paper and markers...no biggie. I wonder if the kids will remember stuff like that?

My kids took their lunches almost every day when they were in school. Well, not Joshua. Boy liked him some hot meals. And, after Logan got into high school, he usually bought his lunch in the cafeteria. But Holly and Clark? I packed their lunches nearly every day, and every day, they got a drink, a sandwich, some chips, and some sort of treat. I know, right? Soooo healthy.

Except not.

But I always packed a napkin in their lunches, and I always wrote a note on it. When my kids were little, they called them "love na'kins." Sometimes I wrote an encouraging word or a Scripture verse. Sometimes I wrote a poem. I have been known to bust out a made-up limerick or two. Sometimes I will draw something on them. Clark almost always has a smiley face on his napkin. It's kind of a "thing" from when he was little.  This past Wednesday, I drew a camel on his napkin...okay, it was pretty pitiful and looked more like an amoeba, but it was supposed to be a camel. And I wrote the words, "what day is it, Mike? Huh...huh?" You know, because it was WEDNESDAY! I don't even know if he reads them anymore.

But I still make the effort.

And also in Clark's lunch, every day, he gets a yellow Powerade. Or red, or orange, or purple...but never blue. I pack blue Powerades on game days.

I wonder if he will remember...or if he even notices.

I figure they will remember "Sunday Rolls." We have cinnamon rolls every Sunday. When my kids were little, they called them, "Sunday Rolls." They are just out of a can, but we have them every week without fail. The one time I dared to make them for a Saturday morning brunch, Joshua spent the entire rest of the day mumbling, "I thought we only had those on SUNDAYS...but it's Saturday and we had cimmmm rolls." Over and over and over.

The one thing I KNOW my kids are going to remember...because they remind us of it ALL.THE.TIME. is all the things they didn't get to do, places they didn't get to go...and TV shows they didn't get to watch. It's a fun little game they love to play. UGH. They are all rat-finks.

But they are all fairly well-adjusted (relatively speaking) (ha), and they all love Jesus...so maybe we weren't all THAT unreasonable as parents.

There are just a lot of little things that we do here in our family. I'm sure we sound so weird to anyone else who is reading this...favorite forks and signs on the door? Yep...we are. Since the main thing we wanted to concentrate on with our kids was their spiritual walk with Jesus, there were some things that we did that made no sense to them at the time...but it was deliberate and part of our plan as parents. We taught them at home about our values and things that were important to us. We LOVED incorporating their AWANA songs and verses. We talked about God's hand in every area of our life, but mainly just in the day-to-day things like Creation and how all people need to hear about Jesus.

If that's all they remember...that all people need to hear about Jesus...then I'm okay with that.

"There is salvation in no one else..." Acts 4:12

Halloween 2013

Halloween is probably my least favorite holiday. Growing up, I don't really remember celebrating it too much. Altho there are a few pictures of us, I have no memory of any costumes or anything. My Mom did tell me that on my 2nd Halloween, I would sit down and immediately eat whatever candy or treat I was given. That was back in the day when you didn't have to have the FBI check things out before you could eat it.

Once we started our own family, we mainly did the church carnival things. I liked it because the costumes were innocent and fun. And we would usually go to a few of our neighbors or friends' houses. Nothing big.

I spent most of Halloween day in Little Rock, because Joshua had an outing with his group. By the time I got home until dinner time...it was hectic. I'm sure most moms cans relate to this. I was trying to get dinner on the table before the trick-or-treaters got there, and I had a football moms meeting. I fixed lasagna (Joshua's choice), salad, broccoli and cheesy, garlic bread. As I sat the broccoli down, Joshua goes, "ahhh, broccoli....smells like feet, but SO good for you."

ANYWAY...

I LOVE staying home and handing out candy. The little kids are SO adorable.

The big kids? NOTSOMUCH.

Seriously?

This year...wow. So many precious littles.

BUT, I also had a terrorist. Seriously, a BIG kid straight-up dressed like a terrorist. Head-to-toe...complete with a black, plastic machine gun.

I nearly fainted.

Here in the South...that will win you no Snicker's bars.

I also had a DAD dressed full out in a sock-monkey onesie.

Wait...

A GROWN MAN WEARING A ONESIE.

Not a good look for anyone.

On another note, Holly helped me paint our pumpkins to look like minions from Despicable Me. They were sooo cute! And a big hit with all the kids AND parents who came to our house. Lots of people took pictures of them, or had their kids' pictures made standing in front of them.

On another, ANOTHER note, I love Arkansas. The weather here is so unpredictable. We've had our heat on for a couple of weeks, but yesterday? We had a storm front come through, and it was so hot! I almost turned on the air-conditioning. I was not comfortable when I went to bed last night. I figured I would have a hard time sleeping. We typically like it cooler at night. But the front came through and it feels AWESOME out today. The sun is shining, and the sky is blue and clear. So many people in Arkansas lost power last night in the storms. We are blessed with a nice day for the linemen to get the lines back up and fixed.

We have a football game tonight. We are playing a team who hasn't lost in, like, 46 games or something. Eeek!

"Let all creation rejoice before the LORD..." Psalm 96:13