Confidence in Motherhood

Today I am linking up with Kelly's Build 'Em Up series. Before I post anything, I just want to say that my prayers are with the people of Oklahoma. We used to live in that area when I was in high school. My heart is breaking for the families because of the children...oh, all the children.

So, confidence in motherhood...hmmm...where to even start?

Motherhood is the hardest, best, most challenging, enriching and life-changing job. Going into it, I never dreamed it would be this wonderful. Or this hard. Oh, everyone tells you about the sleepless nights and the "terrible twos," but no one tells you about how you feel like your heart will absolutely rip apart when they leave for college...how proud of them you are, how much you'll pray, how hard you'll have to trust that the God who made them and loves them more than you ever could...will hold, protect and guide them.

I didn't really know what kind of mom I would be. I had a great mom, don't get me wrong. She just wasn't very "mother-ish." I am drawn to HOME and the things involved in creating a "home." My own mom loved to go, go, GO! She was always on the move! I like to stop and sit and savor the moments. My mom was always all put together...hair, lipstick, clothes. Me? You'll usually find me in comfy warm-ups, or shorts and tennies. My hair is in a ponytail most days.

Surprisingly, for me, motherhood came naturally. And also a little unexpectedly. Our first child was born with Down Syndrome, and I was not prepared for the intense "momma bear" instincts that came almost immediately after I had him. I instantly loved him. I instantly wanted to protect him...to fight for him. I instantly would have laid down my life for him.

Still...you want to fee insecure about being a new mom? Try having a precious child with special needs when alllllll of your friends have precious non-challenged children. From day one, our game plan was different. When they were doing all the fun, new mommy things that I didn't get to do until later on with my other kids, I was attending physical, occupational and speech therapy sessions with Joshua. I was taking him to doctor's appointments. He was hospitalized a couple of times as a baby, and had heart surgery at 3 1/2 months of age. I was giving meds, watching his vitals and monitoring every feeding. Jim and I had to take an infant CPR class after his heart surgery, before they would even let us take him home from the hospital.

So, I was on a "different" path from the rest of my family and friends from the very beginning. I had a lot of insecurities...and no one who really understood my situation. This is not to say I didn't feel the pressures or experience the judgments that other moms can put on each other (and I put on myself!) when I had my other children. I did. Breasts vs bottle, paci vs no paci, when to wean, when to potty-train, SAHMs vs working moms, public vs private school...vs homeschooling. When the kids got older, there was when/if to wear make-up, what type of swimsuit you let them wear, when/if to play sports, when/if/how to date, and whether or not to buy them a car when they turn 16 (this turns into a huge deal among many parents who try to out-do each other with new cars or fancier cars...even giving their children a car when they are 14 or 15...just so they can be the first in their "friend group" to get one). It's a mess sometimes, and if you happen to be the stick-in-the-mud parent who doesn't cave under this pressure (this would be my husband) (not that he was wrong) (it's never a good idea to allow others to determine the values of your family, or the ideals you want to pass on to your children)...just be prepared that, at times, you will have some frustrated kids...but they'll learn that you can't have everything you want when you want it...and they will learn patience (hopefully) and grace (hopefully) and that they cannot live their lives trying to compete with others.

Fortunately, I had a couple of moms that were a little ahead of me in this mothering journey. Altho their kids did not have special needs, they were huge sources of encouragement and support. I think having mentors like that are KEY to feeling confident as a mom. Also, you and your husband need to figure out what is important for YOU and your family. And own those decisions. You might have to explain your reasoning to a curious friend or FAMILY MEMBER, but you don't have to justify your choices to anyone. Own your mistakes as well. Be happy for others and encourage them in their own mothering choices. What's good for one may not be good for another, and that's okay. Be flexible. What works for you now might not work for you in the future. Try not to make your child's accomplishments about YOU. This is sometimes easier said than done. In our case, we had a Special Olympian. We also had some who were naturally gifted in athletics. We had some gifted academically. We had some who struggled, and some who did well at things because they work hard at it. And we have one who wouldn't do "well" by the world's standards no matter how hard he worked at it. When your child excels at something, they may get a ton of accolades. Some of those will fall on you, as the parents. Make sure to keep it all in perspective, because it doesn't last. Your child could go from the hero who made the winning touchdown...to being known at the next game as the one who threw that interception. Just trust me on this one! Don't be afraid to seek out advice from others, but make your own choices. My husband and I prayed about the decisions and choices we made for our family, and we're okay with them. The most important thing we wanted to do for our kids was to point them to Christ...and, after that, to teach them the tools they would need to make their own ways thru the trials of life.

The most important key to confidence in motherhood (or anything else for that matter!) is to realize that your confidence has to come from God. The days when your children bring you flowers and say, "I love you, Mommy," and hang onto your every word are so precious...and so fleeting. Before long, you may have raised voices, rolled eyes and slammed doors. You may have the "quiet" phase that lasts months...or even years...those times when you get very little out of your child. You have to keep plugging along...doing the hard work that God has called you to do as a Mom, and try not to get bogged down in the circumstances of each day.

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9