I was overwhelmed.
I was weary.
I got distracted.
And, even tho I believed that my relationship with Jesus was the most important thing in the world to me...and even tho I told others of His great love and mercy and forgiveness, of the peace He has provided in every situation (when I've asked for it)...and even tho I believed in and trusted His promises, and believed that reading His word was essential in my every day life...I laid my Bible down.
Oh, it wasn't a conscious decision. There wasn't a certain day that I remember doing it...but it happened none-the-less.
And all of a sudden, I wasn't picking up my Bible first thing in the morning...or last thing at night. I wasn't studying it, savoring the words, looking for answers and direction and wisdom and discernment.
If you had asked me, I would've told you that I believe with all my heart that it is the SOURCE of all of those things, and more.
Was I a fake?
A liar?
I don't know.
What I DO know is that I was a poor representation of Christ...because it's not what you are when you are out in front...up on a stage...teaching a class...singing a song...that matters.
No, it's what you are behind closed doors that reflects the true intentions and desires of your heart.
It's super easy to do the comparison thing, and make yourself sound and look better than you are. We look at others, and think that because we haven't traveled down that particular road of bad choices...we are okay. Better than that.
Better than THEM.
But that's because we have taken our eyes off the actual plumb line, which is Jesus and His Word...and we start looking to others to judge our worth, or justify our behavior, as a follower of God. And then we kind of mentally "rank" ourselves against them.
Truth be told, I've found that it's more common than not to go through these "seasons."
NOTE: "Common" does not equal "RIGHT."
It is not right.
In fact, I'll go a step further to say that I believe it's sin.
There was that one day...where I was too tired, too spent, to pick up my Bible. And the next day...and the next day...and the next day.
I felt bad about it at first...but even that dulled as the days and weeks went by.
And then, do you know what ELSE I laid down? My prayer life.
MY PRAYER LIFE.
My very life-line to the Father, and the path to intercession for myself and others that is so precious to me.
Oh, I kept praying at meal-time...I'm not a communist or anything. It wasn't like I completely stopped praying. It was just very sporadic, and not intentional or consistent at all.
At the time, we were dealing with a very sick child. My prayers were mostly those "arrow" prayers, shot up to God in desperation: "please heal my boy...and give me strength if You don't." By laying down my Bible, and a consistent prayer life, I had cut off the very Source of the power and strength I needed...the power and strength I was begging God to give me.
But this is how the devil works, ladies (and gentlemen). He gets you when you're down. When you are physically exhausted from taking care of kids and home and work and life. He gets you when you are emotionally exhausted from the sadness we see on the daily...the stories on the news, the reality of how hard life is for some people...or maybe for yourself; the political unrest that is all around us; the feeling of sadness you have when your dreams don't come true...or when your prayers seem to go unanswered; and social media...oh my word, don't even get me started with the people who have it all, who are doing well...their picture-perfect lives on display in little squares for all to see.
And then there are the people who are suffering. Those stories get me right in the heart. There were days when I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness...for the circumstances of others. So much hurt and suffering and loss in the lives of family, friends, and even strangers. It can be O.VER.WHEL.MING.
If this has happened to you, no judgment here. None at all.
How do you get back on track?
First, make sure you are doing okay health-wise. Are you depressed? Is your diet affecting your mood? Have you experienced any significant changes in your life, like a move or a new job or a new baby? Or maybe your "baby" just left for college. Are you caring for a child with special needs, or an aging parent (their needs are specific to their individual situations, and can affect a care-giver in many ways). I think it's important to try and see what is going on around you...so that you can maybe make some changes, if necessary. Or go see a doctor, if necessary.
Secondly, look inward. Do you have unconfessed sin? Confess it to God. Any bitterness? Confess that, too. Are you fearful or anxious over something? Don't push these things under the rug...deal with them. Get professional help if you need it. Talk to a friend or a mentor or someone you trust.
Third, PRAY...and seek God's help. Actually, you should probably pray before, during, and after this whole process. Can't pray enough, amiright? In fact, I think it's so important to pray for others. Because maybe they were like me...and they didn't know how or what to pray. Maybe they were in such a hard place, they couldn't get the words out. You never know how God will use your prayers to carry someone through a difficult time.
He will meet you right where you are. Like the story of the prodigal son who returns to his home, He is waiting.
Jesus is waiting.
"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." Romans 8:26
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